Becoming Real

“You become. It takes a long time. That’s why it doesn’t happen often to people who break easily, or have sharp edges, or who have to be carefully kept. Generally, by the time you are Real, most of your hair has been loved off, and your eyes drop out and you get loose in the joints and very shabby. But these things don’t matter at all, because once you are Real you can’t be ugly, except to people who don’t understand.”

Margery Williams - The Velveteen Rabbit, 1923. 

Although I’m not completely sure of the author’s meaning, I love The Velveteen Rabbit. It also inspired my post for today.

It has taken me a long time, I mean very long, to become Real. I take that to mean the opposite of Artificial. Or phony. I hope those labels don’t describe me, but People Pleaser is a label you could accurately attach to me. I rarely felt like I had approval growing up…from parents, teachers, etc. And I often wondered what was wrong with me.

Now, of course, I realize it was somewhat the sign of the times. A child of the 1950’s. The oldest of six. Much was expected and most times I didn’t feel like I got it right or measured up. Hard as I would try.

And that’s where the people-pleasing took hold. IF I did this perfectly, I might get approval. IF I said the right thing, they’d like me. IF I went out of my way, it would be noticed. Maybe IF I tried harder. Or IF I just agreed with everyone, or disagreed when that was the desired answer, I’d be accepted. So for too many of my 78 years, that was my modus operandi.

Then my husband died. My whole life changed, down to its very core. 

For almost the first time, I realized that I only need to accept myself. I know without a doubt that my husband loved me, loved me unconditionally, and completely accepted who I was, flaws and all. I didn’t need to be perfect, didn’t always need to say the right thing or agree when I really didn’t. That is the gift he gave me and the gift he left me with. 

It just took me awhile to realize I was thinking and acting differently now, and that it was in looking back on our life together that brought about the change. I am more honest and open than ever before (beware) and it’s what I expect of others. At my age, what do I have to lose? What do any of us have to lose?

I had a coworker once who had lost a young daughter. There were a couple of untrue and undeserved comments about her in the office and knowing they were untrue, she shrugged it off and said, “I lost a daughter. There’s nothing more anyone can do to me.” 

So there’s nothing more anyone can do to me.  I don’t break easily and I don’t need to be carefully kept. Love me or not, accept me or not, I am who you see. 

To my mind, that is Real.       

 (But I still really hope you like me.) 💜 

Thanks for visiting and letting me share my random thoughts.